Wow, what a life!
I have been so engrossed in worldy things lately. I don't know why. I HAD to watch So You Think You Can Dance on Tuesdays and Wednesdays online (we don't have cable). I HAVE to read the magazines that snoop into people's lives while waiting in line at the store. I look at Facebook too long. I care too much about what I look like, what my house looks like, what my girls look like. I care too much about saving face, appearing to be better than what I really am. All of these things I have allowed to overtake me. I haven't been spending as much time with my girls as I can. I have been getting impatient or stressed over the silliest things. It's been all about me me me lately. I think I used to get this way and just tried to cover up my pride with service. Service is great and it gets me thinking about others, but so many times I used it to make myself feel better about myself. Granted I didn't go around bragging about what I'd done, but in my mind I told myself I had done good that done which covered up everything else. I've been praying lately for the ability to see myself in those moments: where my girls are screaming for my attention or those sweet moments when the girls are playing or laughing together and I'm missing it. I have prayed to be able to recognize what I am doing and change it, because I want to be the best mother I can be. I want to just roll around with the girls, play Rapunzel with Afton while she runs around as Flynn Ryder, I want to read stories for hours with them, tuck them in and tell them bedtime stories, make fun treats for us to eat, sit on the patio and drink smoothies together in 100 degree weather. I want my girls to remember seeing me reading scriptures, saying prayers, playing with them all day, having fun grocery shopping together and hardly remembering when Mommy lost her patience.
So far I have had multiple experiences where I can feel myself about to make some short reply to Afton or Reesa who just want me to watch them or play with them or just listen; I'll stop and breath and remember who I want to be. My life is sweet. I have this wonderful gift of my family! Seriously I am sooo lucky. Afton is so grown up, smart, sensitive, sweet and loving. Yesterday I was going out for a little fun girls night and as I was just about to walk out the door she ran up to me grabbed both my legs and said, "I love you, Mommy," in her little content voice. Heaven! Reesa is so happy, smiling all the time, laughing and making us all laugh, hugging me from behind, putting those sweet chubby little hands on my face so I know it's time to listen to her, and is sooo sweet. I love that she goes into my closet and puts on my shoes and can almost walk perfectly in them! She gets so excited about the littlest things! When did I lose that? Tad is the most amazing husband! How do I deserve such a good man? He is so loving, considerate, gentle, and a great father. Yesterday was a rough day at work and he came home to a hyped up Afton (she ate a whole tube of those mini M&M's) and a goober Reesa, a sink of dishes, grilled cheese for dinner (which he said was amazing, how sweet is that?), tons of work still to do and a wife who got to go have fun for the evening. I came home and he was happy, the dishes were done, the porch light on waiting for me, the house clean, the girls comfortably asleep in bed. I know I don't deserve that!
I was just getting on the computer this morning to plan out our dinners for the next couple weeks. I decided to check email, blogs and facebook before doing that and found this. I don't know who these people are but looking at their sweet family blog (http://aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.com/) surely gave me some perspective. I sat at the computer reading their blog, crying, thinking how blessed I am and there she is saying how blessed she is. I know when we go through trials it starts to change us. It changes our perspective. I don't know who reads my blog anymore, but spread the word to read that blog. The Taylor family, I know, is not the only family who struggles but that doesn't mean we can't do all when can to help when we find those in need, even if the only thing we can do is pray. After reading her blog all I wanted to do is go and donate my liver. Do I need it that bad? Surely there's enough to share with that sweet little baby girl! I don't know what plan is in store for that family or my family for that matter, but couldn't we all use some perspective every once and a while? I hope that I can continue to remember how blessed I am and try to do my best in all that I do and for everyone I meet.
Happy New Year!!
6 months ago