Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Changing

This post is more of a journaling kind of post so just as a heads up, it won't have any pictures.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 6:45, not because one of my children was crying or my husband was snoring, or the sprinkler was spraying our window, but it was something much more impactful. (Is that how it's spelled?) I woke up from one of the most realistic dreams I have ever had.

This is my dream.
All day, Tad and I had been trying to actually spend quality time together. Something was always interrupting us and that wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the sense that we only had a certain amount of time to do so. There was a man who kept coming to the door dropping off packages, like the UPS guy, but it was like every hour or every half hour he was there...ringing the doorbell, bringing in more boxes, over and over. It was as if he was the one lurking in the corners of our home, just waiting for something. I don't know if he was good or not, but he was constantly there. There was also a little boy. He was blond, had glasses, was rambunctious, but not annoyingly so. He was just a little boy. He would be running around, just playing, and then he came up to me and said, "You have one hour!" in the most joyful, childlike way. He didn't have to say anything more...I knew what he meant.

I tried to just sit and talk with Tad, just do something of quality with him, but we kept being interrupted. It wasn't annoying. Tad and I would just joke around, like any other day, I guess not wanting to turn our time left with each other into something negative. We went to the kitchen to make dinner and started it up. There was the delivery guy, just standing there in the corner, not saying anything. I knew he was there but didn't acknowledge him. I don't know if Tad knew he was there. Then I saw the little boy again, across the street. He didn't have to yell, I could hear him. He said, in that same fun-loving childish voice, "Okay, you have 30 minutes." Again, I knew.

I turned to Tad a hugged him. "Oh, dear goodness." I was crying. I didn't want to say good-bye but I knew that if I didn't then I wouldn't have another chance. I just clung to him crying. I only had 30 minutes and I had two other people I needed to say good-bye to. Oh, my sweet girls. How do you say good-bye to your children? My heart was wrenched. I ached to stay with my family, my husband, my girls. My heart breaking, I was thinking of my little Reesa when I woke up crying.

I looked at the clock: 6:45 a.m. I am alive. There is no little boy. Tad is sleeping in bed next to me. I can't stop crying so I snuggle up to Tad trying not to wake him up. It was so real. I knew I was being called back home in my dream and that I would have to leave my family behind. I just kept replaying it over and over in my mind. Tad of course woke up because by now I was really crying. He just hugged me as I cried. I eventually stopped and told him some of the dream. Then I asked him if he could give me blessing. The moment he started talking I naturally started crying all over again. In the blessing I was told to seek. Seek for answers, seek to understand the atonement, seek. I don't think I've ever been told to do something so specific over and over again.

As I went through my day, I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to spend time with my children and with my husband. I could just be spooked out by my dream, but so what? If I am, is it a bad thing to forget the computer, the tv, books, "me-time", job searching and everything else that become distractions? We cleaned the house, went out for breakfast, bought diapers, made dinner together, I went visiting teaching. We had Family Home Evening at the park, made brownies, played toys with the girls, went down the slide, talked about things we were grateful for, said prayers together. I fed the baby her favorite baby food (carrots) and watched as she rubbed it all over her face and in her hair, watched as Afton devoured some chocolate that was going into the brownies and got brownie mix all in her hair. Tad and I danced in the kitchen, I read my morning scripture study out loud to the family, we turned on some music and all danced around. I watched Reesa laugh as she bounced on my hip, changed a few poopy diapers and helped Afton go #2. (The most dreaded thing in the world!) All of these things may not seem any more exciting than any other day, but it was perfect.

Obviously, I am still alive, but I think I am changed. How do you go back to "normal" life when you know that at any moment something can go horribly wrong and any one you love can be taken from you. I'm not sure what I am going to find in all of my seeking, but I do know that I don't ever want to be unprepared. I want my life to be filled with good. I want my girls to know that I love them more than life itself, but that I have made a promise to my Father in Heaven to do His will, whatever that may be. I cannot regulate what happens in my life, but I will do what I can to make it a good life. A life filled with service, love, diligence; I want to be a doer. Someone who is always working for good. I want to live with my family again, for eternity. If that is going to happen, I cannot be unprepared.

I'm sorry if this sounds like ramblings of a wife and mother gone insane, but I just needed to write this down. The past little while of our lives have been interesting. We know we need to move on with our lives, leave Rexburg and start. We had a friend who passed away recently and that has changed me too. He was such a good, amazing person, definitely a doer. I realized at his passing that I needed to do more. Scripture study has become more constant not only in my personal life, but in our family's life as well as prayer. I have made it a goal to pray every morning and night, and I feel so good when I do. Afton has started saying her own prayers at night after our family prayers. It all feels good. All these things have made me feel like that saying, "a rough stone rolling" being shaped as the pieces get chipped away to reveal something beautiful. Not something beautiful on the outside, because those pieces got chipped off, but beautiful on the inside. That's where the most inspiring thing was hidden. Anyway, I hope that if you are reading this, you can find that need to make your life a good one.

4 comments:

Alesha said...

Wow! That is a wake-up call. Thanks for reminding me!

Katie said...

Cara it brought me to tears thinking about you being gone, but then after reading the first book in the great and terrible I realize that we dont have anything to fear and that God is waiting for us. Thank you for writing about your dream, you are a great writer, I felt everything you said. Cara thanks for the example you are in my life. You are a blessing and I miss being neighbors with you more than you will ever know. Those few months were some of the most fun and meaningful months. Thanks for everything you and your sweet husband do. I love you guys!

Meagan said...

Well I cried the whole time I was reading it. Wow, what an eye-opener. It made me miss you and my husband (even though I am just at work right now). I have been thinking a lot lately about needing to spend more quality time with Sean. I really have been realizing how much you can miss out on. Wow...that was so intense. You're so righteous. I wish I could see you more. Move to Florida.

Anyway, thanks for sharing that. I'm still crying by the way. Love you Cara. You're such an example of the kind of wife and mother I want to be. Love ya sista friend!

Katie, my husband is reading those books.

Marie said...

Thanks for sharing your dream. I hope you are seeking and that it has taught you some things and you'll share them!